Originally published in Nica News 20 (February 1999)

Unless William Clinton is impeached, or worse, he'll be coming to Nicaragua sometime in March as part of his Central America whistle-stop tour. Ostensibly, the U.S. President is coming to get a first-hand look at the needs of the region in the aftermath of Hurricane Mitch, but that doesn't mean that he can't have some fun and see the sites, too.

With that in mind, I hereby offer my services as a tour guide and suggestion maker for the extra-curricular activities that the President (may I call him Bill?) might partake of during his brief visit.

Right up there near the top of the list would of course be a visit to Estelí to see its famous cigar factories. We've heard down here that the leader of the Free World likes his stogies, although he allegedly doesn't inhale. Try a Presidente-sized one.

Having heard of his penchant for interns, another possibility would be a night crawl to one of Managua's seamy-steamy clubs where the young lasses dance in turns. A no-hands policy applies here, Mr. President; however, the tables may be turned during a table dance.

If he brings his saxophone, maybe we could pop by the Café Amatl or La Guitarra one evening and see if an open-stage policy is in effect. Billie Jeff and his Marimba Quartet, live and in concert, playing that all time favorite tune, "When the Senators Come Impeaching In."

Sorry about this if your establishment has the word "nica" in its name. Naturally, we'll have to avoid any place like that in the event that the Prez is afflicted with a flashback to that other now-famous "nica": you remember "mo" don't you? We can't have him Jonesing for her again now that it's almost all over.

It almost goes without saying, but it's a must that Clinton review the U.S. troops stationed in-country for reconstruction work. He could check out the hole in the fence around the camp near Corinto to see the ingenuity displayed by some marines in their desire to enjoy a bit of Saturday night-life in that neck of the woods.

A trip to the Masaya Volcano would probably be a hit, too. Just looking down into that crater and recalling tales of maidens being thrown over the lip as sacrifices to the gods might give Bill a few ideas of how to deal with certain inquisitors in Washington DC.

Since it's so close to the volcano anyway, a stop for keepsakes at the Masaya Market is in order. What to buy? Some of those stuffed toads arranged in a grand jury setting complete with gavel, jury, and video camera man. Maybe a presidential hammock to hang in the Oval Office. Or perhaps an "I survived Hurricane Mitch" T-shirt.

Something environmental has to be included in the itinerary. I think maybe a visit to a nature reserve to go birdwatching would be in order. Maybe the U.S.'s main man would be able see some real swallows.

One has to know the campo in order to get a proper feel for a place, and so we should take a tour of some nearby farms to learn more about the situation of agriculture in the nation. I'm sure that Arnoldo has a few places he could show Bill, and word has it that the roads there are in fine shape, perfect for quad-cycles. Would Bill's Secret Service be able to keep up with us on foot?

It's uncertain whether the presidential handlers would let me within a Nicaraguan country mile of their main man, but if they accept my offer, I can be contacted through the office of (Mo)NicaNews.