Originally published in Nica News 20 (February 1999)

I have been informed by unconfirmed sources that an upcoming issue of NicaNews will contain ample information about investment opportunities in Nicaragua. Not wanting to be the last one on the bus, this issue I present a list -not comprehensive to be sure- of bad investment ideas that I've run across in Nicaragua. If you have more ideas to add to the list, feel free to send them in (chele@nicanews.com.ni).

Car wash: Anyone who can afford a car worth washing can also afford to pay a kid in the parking lot at the market or in front of the National Palace to scrub off the road filth. Many can also afford to hire a driver who often has nothing better to do than polish the chrome or put a gleam back on the hubcaps.

Fuzz busters: Remember those devices for detecting the beam emitted by the radar used by traffic police? Forget about it here. Speed traps do not exist, nor do radar speed detectors (except for some East bloc models that arrived in the late 1980s). You may wonder whether in fact speed limits exist.

Boogie board rentals on Lake Managua: One look at what goes into the lake in front of the capital and you'll know in an instant what shouldn't go in: you or anyone you don't have a hate on for.

Golf pro-shop supplies: How many golfers or golf courses have you seen in the country? What, then, could you possibly do with supplies for them? To most people in Nicaragua, Tiger Woods is probably just another endangered species somewhere out there in what's left of the rainforest.

Defensive driving school: It's not that it's not needed, but it's highly doubtful that anyone would even consider enrolling given the amount of "agro" on the roads. If the clients were to be drivers who have had their licenses suspended temporarily -thereby making it necessary to catch a cab or bus to this hypothetical school- anything learned would probably be rapidly unlearned with the example of a Managua cabby behind his wheel or a member of the Parrales Vallejos or Colón Bus Cooperative.

Betamax repair shop: The guy behind the counter would be lonelier than the proverbial Maytag repair man. This is VHS country and cable is available in most centers.

Bungee jumping school in Rivas: That department is not exactly noted for the height of its bridges. It would be a very short fall and you would soon face a capital shortfall. Maybe, though, it could be done in the capital from the top of the Bank of America building.

High-rise window cleaning service: Check out the Managua skyline, or that of any other major urban center in the country, and you'll note a distinct lack thereof. Maybe, though, wannabe bungee jumpers could clean the windows on the Bank of America building on their way down and up and down… What would someone charge for each window cleaned... cinco reales?

Koala bear handicrafts: This investment would involve importing koalas from Australia to the eucalyptus plantations in León, breeding them, and then taking the little creatures and stuffing them in action poses: playing marimba, boxing, etc., just like the toads in the Masaya Market, only cuter! Those pesky animal rights advocates would probably present problems.

Ticket Master or Ticketron franchise: Advance bookings of guaranteed seats to the baseball games at Managua's Denis Martínez Stadium. As if… Have you ever seen the orderly way in which the fans take to the bleachers and the decorum and good manners they display while there? Imagine trying to enforce seating arrangements. "Excuse me, sir, but it seems that you're in my seat." Right!!!